I lay down attempting to sleep, with worship music playing in the background. It doesn't work. I go to an instrumental playlist that is softer. It doesn't work. Then to an even softer playlist all about piano pieces... nothing.
The next day I decide to get myself going with some Christian Rock. After a while I try slowing it down to something I can get my heart into....... let's go even softer to music that is liTerally made to get you in that mood of worship. Why isn't this working? I think to myself, "If I could just form the words of the songs and just sing what I know is......true..... then this will all be fi--."
Wait a minute, I know these words are true. I know what they are saying about Jesus is true, and the peace, and His love. It's all true but it all feels numb and without meaning. But there is so much meaning!! One of my love languages is words of affirmation, has that changed? Well no, because I still feel like I am on cloud nine when someone shows me their love for me in words, so that can't be it.
Or, have I just become a follower who knows the truth so well that these routine songs and words are just dry and empty to me? God is very much still working in my life, I am still seeking Him and praying, I am still seeing Him answer those prayers.... but I feel myself wanting more. Have I gotten comfortable? I certainly don't feel comfortable with the 10 million things on my mind that are keeping me awake at night. The broken record that is forcing it's "on" switch in my brain and making me hear that I am going to fail at these plans even though the saying is that "if you fail to plan, you plan to fail."
I am trying to get ahead. I want to be able to see the ocean shore when we get to January 10th and students come back to school for a second semester. I definitely do not want to start at knee deep. Actually, could God just come build me a beach house and put me in there? That is safe enough, right, and it will hold off any potential drowning until much later.....unless God sends me a tsunami. Hm. There's no running away from this, is there Jonah?
So I am craving a deeper relationship? Got it. I am craving to be fed in ways that I have not had in quite some time. There is something out there that my spiritual life is yearning for and I just can't put my finger on it..... or near it? Am I even in the same world as it? A dear friend was recently visiting a church and she said this to the youth, "When I imagine missionaries I am not what I would imagine." We both chuckled over the phone because I could relate. When I think of missionaries I imagine people who have it together. They are somewhat aware of how to walk out onto to the next step in their life without worrying if the ocean is going to swallow them.
I have personally never been one to worry. I told another friend recently that once my husband and I were dating I noticed that I didn't worry near as much because he seemed to always have stuff on his mind. I get that now - he was in college. I now constantly have things on my mind. It's on my mind as I type. But, as December rolled around the thoughts got heavier. It feels like there is a storm brewing above me, an angry storm brewing above me as I stand on this ocean shore knowing that there are things I need to take care of.
Is it going to pour down and overtake me later, or am I automatically trusting that God is actually disguising it as blessings? Or, am I again automatically trusting that even though it may be a storm that He is going to hold an umbrella tightly over my head so that I don't get completely washed away? Which is it Big Guy? Have I mentioned that I am a little worried? I am an over-thinker who likes to write and is now worrying, oh joy.
Yesterday's verse of the day on YouVersion said:
1 John 4:11-12
After you have suffered for a little while, the God of all grace, who called you to His eternal glory in Christ, will Himself perfect, confirm, strengthen and establish you.
So regardless of where I am standing on this ocean shore or what comes pouring out of those dark and scary storm clouds, it is to perfect, confirm, strengthen, and establish me. Well that makes since if you reference this to Romans 8:28 - And we know that God causes all things to work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose.
Okay, this makes sense and I have been reminding myself of my own belief - JESUS IS ENOUGH. No matter what is going on, no matter who is hurting me, no matter what lie Satan in trying to feed me - JESUS IS ENOUGH. His grace is ENOUGH and sufficient for me. My feelings and hunger for more of Him is no surprise to Him. In fact, I am one of those silly christians that believes everything happens for a reason. With that being said, I am hungry and craving for a purpose. What that is, only God knows..... ha ha ha.... *insert eye roll*
See? THAT is what I mean. The same, old, cliche stuff isn't hitting the spot anymore. I need more. Or do I need a heart check.....
But, as I wait PATIENTLY for the waves to build and for this storm to release all it has I will find that song (liTerally speaking) to sing. I will find that perfect Hallelujah because I have not yet sung my last.
Sing in the storm. Sing out His name. As 7eventh Time Down says, Just Say Jesus - in fact that has been my song lately. And now that sweet little hymn is playing in my head.
(Jesus, Jesus, Je-sus. it's the sweetest Name I know.)
Psalm 40:3
He put a new song in my mouth; a song of praise to our God; Many will see and fear and will trust in the Lord.
