"I want my Daddy." And my heart feels the pressure of failure. "I want my Daddy." My nose begins to burn, my jaws quiver in urgency. "I want my Daddy." I say hoping for a revelation.
I want my Daddy.
You may be thinking that I am referring to my earthly father, but no, I mean the heavenly One. The only One I have ever known to always be there, rushing at me with haste, urgently and yet patiently saying, "It's okay baby."
I want more. I
4.09.2020
2.21.2020
8 months later...
June 6th, 2019, Natalie made us parents and turned life "right sass-ways." Ha. Granted, in her 8 short months, Natalie has lived in the States, Belize, and now Jordan and has been present for Israel, Turkey, and France. A few weeks before she was born I had a dream that included her God-mother that went like so: her Taeta and I were sitting together and Taeta was hoping to see N kick in-womb. N did, but it was like my abdomen was transparent, and we could see stamps on her feet. It was in that dream it was confirmed that she is stamped and ready for the mission-field. She will serve the kingdom through missions and bringing Jesus to the lost and broken. She will highlight purpose in the lives of others, bringing hope and truth to tired souls. We will teach her that her calling isn't a 'must-do,' but a responsibility. It is her responsibility to fulfill the mission of God that God has given her.
In the mean time, my responsibility...
This morning I pondered back on previous posts and saw God. I saw where He gave me the word "Qualified" as a tattoo before I was certain I was even getting a tattoo. I saw where He revealed the glory He had displayed in my life and how prevalent His anointing is in my life. Have you ever seen God in 2 places at once? We know He is omnipotent, but have we seen it and experienced it?
John 11:40
Then Jesus said, "Did I not tell you that if you believe, you will see the glory of God?"
Isaiah 40:5
And the glory of the Lord will be revealed, and all people will see it together. For the mouth of the Lord has spoken."
Isaiah and Jesus tell us that we will see the glory of the Father. We will see the miracles that Moses, Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob saw... it's not over.
I have always been a mad-dog for spiritual growth and self-improvement, but I have learned that as a mother, there is little-to-no-time for expanding myself. With this in mind, I have had to take a few steps back and observe those in similar situations and learn how they continue to connect with God and focus on their family, allowing themselves to get lost in their purpose and God-identity. My answer, my growth, and my discipline is to simple fill myself up on his Word. I will not look for growth, I will look to be filled because my job right now is to be a vessel that is being continuously pouring out.
In the mean time, my responsibility...
This morning I pondered back on previous posts and saw God. I saw where He gave me the word "Qualified" as a tattoo before I was certain I was even getting a tattoo. I saw where He revealed the glory He had displayed in my life and how prevalent His anointing is in my life. Have you ever seen God in 2 places at once? We know He is omnipotent, but have we seen it and experienced it?
John 11:40
Then Jesus said, "Did I not tell you that if you believe, you will see the glory of God?"
Isaiah 40:5
And the glory of the Lord will be revealed, and all people will see it together. For the mouth of the Lord has spoken."
Isaiah and Jesus tell us that we will see the glory of the Father. We will see the miracles that Moses, Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob saw... it's not over.
I have always been a mad-dog for spiritual growth and self-improvement, but I have learned that as a mother, there is little-to-no-time for expanding myself. With this in mind, I have had to take a few steps back and observe those in similar situations and learn how they continue to connect with God and focus on their family, allowing themselves to get lost in their purpose and God-identity. My answer, my growth, and my discipline is to simple fill myself up on his Word. I will not look for growth, I will look to be filled because my job right now is to be a vessel that is being continuously pouring out.
Philippians 3: 12-14
Not that I have already obtained all this, or have already arrived at my goal, but I press on to take hold of that for which Christ Jesus took hold of me. Brothers and sisters, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus.
9.05.2019
Today marks one week since made the big move to Corozal, Belize. It is hot and humid with one AC unit that we try to use periodically through the day. We have hot water, electricity, the home essentials, and even internet. We are living well and God has thoroughly blessed this transition. And yet, I still feel just as lost as I did when we prepping to come.
My sweet, precious baby. She has been a trooper in this move, and started to become a Mama's girl before we left. She likes to lay on my chest for comfort and let out soft, cute "hoos". Later, she will won't her 'ba-ba', a clean diapy, and a nap. We firmly embrace baby talk in our home. She depends on Mommy and Daddy to pick her up and comfort her when she's upset and/or in need. She's a baby; they're biologically programmed that way.
This afternoon after 'our' morning nap, we took a dip in our little pool to cool off. Afterwards, her and I came back to the room all cleaned off and fed, and she fell asleep on my chest. As I held her I thought of those who are so, so spiritually lost. I thought about those who so desperately need Mommy (the Church) and Daddy God to run to them, comfort them, feed them the bread of Life, and fill their thirsty souls. I thought about how so many are fighting the sleep God has to offer and freshness He brings in new life. I thought about how those who are lost, or maybe wandering, are fighting Him like a baby getting their diapy changed or wanting something that they don't need.
Even as a well-seasoned Christian, who has been through it and seen it, I am still very much a big baby in need of Mommy and Daddy. I still crave being bottled fed the Truth and love that is Christ Jesus. I still need to be picked up and held close and coaxed with shushes to calm down. I still need Jesus.
The last few weeks have been difficult as I desperately ask God to give me something - direction, vision, passion, word of encouragement - and yet, I feel like I'm sitting all alone by a lake listening to crickets chirp. Of course, there's that immature part of me that says, "Well, you've done it now. God has moved on to better things." Haha, silly, right. Thankfully, there that is seasoned part of me that reminds me that God is testing me and wanting me to stretch out of my comfort zone and grow. He wouldn't be wrong; He has allowed me time to cocoon for a while so that He could protect me through a healing process. He is so, so good!!
My sweet, precious baby. She has been a trooper in this move, and started to become a Mama's girl before we left. She likes to lay on my chest for comfort and let out soft, cute "hoos". Later, she will won't her 'ba-ba', a clean diapy, and a nap. We firmly embrace baby talk in our home. She depends on Mommy and Daddy to pick her up and comfort her when she's upset and/or in need. She's a baby; they're biologically programmed that way.
This afternoon after 'our' morning nap, we took a dip in our little pool to cool off. Afterwards, her and I came back to the room all cleaned off and fed, and she fell asleep on my chest. As I held her I thought of those who are so, so spiritually lost. I thought about those who so desperately need Mommy (the Church) and Daddy God to run to them, comfort them, feed them the bread of Life, and fill their thirsty souls. I thought about how so many are fighting the sleep God has to offer and freshness He brings in new life. I thought about how those who are lost, or maybe wandering, are fighting Him like a baby getting their diapy changed or wanting something that they don't need.
Even as a well-seasoned Christian, who has been through it and seen it, I am still very much a big baby in need of Mommy and Daddy. I still crave being bottled fed the Truth and love that is Christ Jesus. I still need to be picked up and held close and coaxed with shushes to calm down. I still need Jesus.
The last few weeks have been difficult as I desperately ask God to give me something - direction, vision, passion, word of encouragement - and yet, I feel like I'm sitting all alone by a lake listening to crickets chirp. Of course, there's that immature part of me that says, "Well, you've done it now. God has moved on to better things." Haha, silly, right. Thankfully, there that is seasoned part of me that reminds me that God is testing me and wanting me to stretch out of my comfort zone and grow. He wouldn't be wrong; He has allowed me time to cocoon for a while so that He could protect me through a healing process. He is so, so good!!
7.29.2019
3.11.2019
New Life
You said, "Not yet." You said, "it's coming." You said, "be patient." You said, "I only told you to wait."
October 3rd began like any normal day. I knew I was either pregnant or going to get my period. I had already decided not to retest because, why have two negative tests? But, by 3pm that day I realized my body was giving me signs of something I couldn't comprehend. Tender breast, tired, and thirsty. I had also not felt like myself for over a week. All signs for what we are all thinking... am I pregnant?
We have been trying for four years. Four years of learning patience, acceptance, being told, "It's all in God's timing." Wanting to slap those people after the 5th time I heard the cliche. I learned and relearned patience.
..........
That was over 21 weeks ago. The test came back positive. POSITIVE PREGNANCY TEST. In 21 weeks I have watched my body change in so many ways I have lost count. I have teased with friends that I am no longer in control of my body, which could not be truer. I have heard the sweetest thumping of a little baby's heartbeat. I have seen ultrasounds, and watched this beautiful baby inside ME, grow. SHE :) is growing. #wearegrowing That has been my cute #hashtag for our growing family on social media. We are growing in size (physically and figuratively), spirit, ministry.
...........
It has taken me so long to actually start and then complete this blog. What do I say that I has not already been said? What cute in-aweness can I deliver that another (finally) expectant Mommy hasn't?
At the beginning of this school year, just like last year, I prayed for a word that would describe my growth. I wanted growth. I would not avidly pursue it as I once did for many years, however, I would allow it to happen. I would welcome it with open arms and receive its transformation of spirit, body, and mind. Last year's word was freedom. God wanted to bring into the freedom I so craved from past mistakes. Freedom from every reason I consider were the reasons I was not getting pregnant. I mean, why would God bless us so incredibly we had issues to work out? That was in fact a blessing in of itself! This year's word has been delivered. Aren't those the same words? Well, why don't you ask the Israelites while they wandered the desert for 40 years FREE, but not delivered from their misfortunes and the strongholds on their lives, passed down from generation to generation. The 2 words are not the same, nor is the growth that is given from them. God wants me to be delivered along with being free. He doesn't just want me to leave sin and my past mistakes; He wants to deliver me into new life! And it just so happens that it took 7 years of marriage for this deliverance to happen... THANK GOD IT WASN'T 40!
Seven years. Seven. The number of completion. Not that my life is completed, but that God completed something in me and now it's time for something new. What Satan intended to use to destroy me, God made something new out of it! Healing has made me new. My marriage is new. My ministry is new. The eyes and heart that are seeing what God is doing in my life are.... new. This little girl, she is new!
........
If you could teach your daughter ONE thing, what would it be?
There is truth and promise in God's Word. 2 Corinthians 5:17 tells us that, "Therefore is anyone is in Christ, the new creation has come: The old is gone, the new is here!"
October 3rd began like any normal day. I knew I was either pregnant or going to get my period. I had already decided not to retest because, why have two negative tests? But, by 3pm that day I realized my body was giving me signs of something I couldn't comprehend. Tender breast, tired, and thirsty. I had also not felt like myself for over a week. All signs for what we are all thinking... am I pregnant?
We have been trying for four years. Four years of learning patience, acceptance, being told, "It's all in God's timing." Wanting to slap those people after the 5th time I heard the cliche. I learned and relearned patience.
..........
That was over 21 weeks ago. The test came back positive. POSITIVE PREGNANCY TEST. In 21 weeks I have watched my body change in so many ways I have lost count. I have teased with friends that I am no longer in control of my body, which could not be truer. I have heard the sweetest thumping of a little baby's heartbeat. I have seen ultrasounds, and watched this beautiful baby inside ME, grow. SHE :) is growing. #wearegrowing That has been my cute #hashtag for our growing family on social media. We are growing in size (physically and figuratively), spirit, ministry.
...........
It has taken me so long to actually start and then complete this blog. What do I say that I has not already been said? What cute in-aweness can I deliver that another (finally) expectant Mommy hasn't?
At the beginning of this school year, just like last year, I prayed for a word that would describe my growth. I wanted growth. I would not avidly pursue it as I once did for many years, however, I would allow it to happen. I would welcome it with open arms and receive its transformation of spirit, body, and mind. Last year's word was freedom. God wanted to bring into the freedom I so craved from past mistakes. Freedom from every reason I consider were the reasons I was not getting pregnant. I mean, why would God bless us so incredibly we had issues to work out? That was in fact a blessing in of itself! This year's word has been delivered. Aren't those the same words? Well, why don't you ask the Israelites while they wandered the desert for 40 years FREE, but not delivered from their misfortunes and the strongholds on their lives, passed down from generation to generation. The 2 words are not the same, nor is the growth that is given from them. God wants me to be delivered along with being free. He doesn't just want me to leave sin and my past mistakes; He wants to deliver me into new life! And it just so happens that it took 7 years of marriage for this deliverance to happen... THANK GOD IT WASN'T 40!
Seven years. Seven. The number of completion. Not that my life is completed, but that God completed something in me and now it's time for something new. What Satan intended to use to destroy me, God made something new out of it! Healing has made me new. My marriage is new. My ministry is new. The eyes and heart that are seeing what God is doing in my life are.... new. This little girl, she is new!
........
If you could teach your daughter ONE thing, what would it be?
There is truth and promise in God's Word. 2 Corinthians 5:17 tells us that, "Therefore is anyone is in Christ, the new creation has come: The old is gone, the new is here!"
She is here. She is growing. She is healthy, and we get to meet her in the newness of summer!
 |
| The sweetest heartbeat! |
 |
| Both images are many weeks old, but this is our girl! |
9.07.2018
Where Did That Come From?
Have you ever felt patience? And I mean really felt it? It's that knowing in your heat and mind what steps need to be taken and that there cannot be any rushing. It's self-confidence of God's promises surging you on. It's peace that fills you up with the evidence of a smile as you acknowledge the fact that you are right where you need to be.
Don't move. Just let His presence in your life guide you to your final destination.
Don't move. Just let His presence in your life guide you to your final destination.
9.05.2018
Let There Be Glory
Back in February, the 22nd to be exact, I wrote in my journal addressing God that I wanted this calendar year to be a year of learning who "Jenn" is and learning to fall in love with her. Funny thing is, yesterday I was reading the material for my women's bible study and it mentioned a story including the author. Basically, her father met her teenage boyfriend (many years ago) who was "still finding himself", to which the father later told his daughter that he didn't know his feelings on the young man since he wasn't sure who he was speaking with. The young man hadn't found himself, yet.
Needless to say, I pondered that, and then wondered if I was giving off the same vibe to others. I was giving myself that vibe. I say this because in my growth, seeking Jesus, and allowing God to unveil His truth to me, I have also been given the gift of freedom from past trials and God is in the works of fully delivering me. Praise God for His goodness and grace!! He has given the gift of fresh eyes and introducing me to this new road in how I respond and react to life's circumstances. Even in the moments of temptation! I now approach them with gentleness as God gives me discernment for that specific moment.
I have seen this picture on different social media outlets (I do not own rights).....
And it's so true and relatable for me. I do remember the days when I jumped in angst at what was uncomfortable to me. I remember praying for God to clear my head and clean my thoughts to match His. I remember begging God to make each day easier (depending on that life season). I remember asking God to protect my heart, mind, mouth, ears, and eyes from anything that could be a stumbling block for myself or others (I still pray this over myself). I remember praying for God to keep me aware of my thoughts, actions, and words (I still pray this, too). I remember praying for God to keep me content in the lonely times. I remember praying for God to only give me what I need and help me to be patient when I wanted something that wasn't in His timing. I remember the urgency in my hunger to be more. I remember crying as I waited for God to wipe my tears with answers. I cannot even begin to express how beautiful it is to be able to look around in my life and see the ways God has let His glory shine.
Last night as I sat with a friend working on our women's bible study, I remembered over year ago when God began shutting doors to my friendships. I had begun praying for God to protect me in various ways. His first way was removing everything I thought I needed and truly teaching me what it meant for me to proclaim that He is Enough, as I have it tattooed on my left wrist. I thought I needed relationships and approval. I thought I needed emotional support and stability, and that I would find it in another human being. I thought I needed this sense of family I didn't think I already had. Through supplication and confessing in my wrong-doings, God began building this wall around my heart. A wall that would teach me to be more cautious of how I treat my heart. A wall that would keep me content and not wanting things that I didn't need. A wall that protects me from negativity and toxic-ness as God continues to reconstruct my heart, mind, and spirit. As He renovates the places that have cracks, He polishes my mind, and gives my heart a new foundation made of wisdom, discernment, and His Word.
I remember praying for these things. I still pray for them because Jesus tells us to remain humble. He resists the proud and blesses the humble. I don't want to miss out on God's gifts!
As I am learning who "Jenn" is, I am learning that she fiercely loves Jesus and craves His great works. She is soft to speak, but can roar like a lion. She has a hard time speaking to and in front of adults, but she comes alive speaking to kids. She's an ambivert (INTP-A). She has no beginning nor an end. God picked her like a weed in a field of wild flowers and decided that she was just enough to make a difference in a world that needed change. She's a mad-dog about growth and always looking for ways to improve... but she also really enjoys resting/sleeping, ha!
My mission statement over my life:
Philippians 3:12-14
12 Not that I have already obtained it or have already become perfect, but I press on so that I may lay hold of that or which also I was laid hold of by Christ Jesus. 13 Brethren, I do not regard myself as having laid hold of it yet; but one thing I do: forgetting what lies behind and reaching forward to what lies ahead, 14 I press on toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus.
12 Not that I have already obtained it or have already become perfect, but I press on so that I may lay hold of that or which also I was laid hold of by Christ Jesus. 13 Brethren, I do not regard myself as having laid hold of it yet; but one thing I do: forgetting what lies behind and reaching forward to what lies ahead, 14 I press on toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus.
Lately, as I pray, in groups especially, God has given me the words, "Let there be glory. Let us see Your glory. Let us know Your glory." I am not perfect, but I press on with my faith in Jesus. He has gifted me glory, and for that I give Him glory. I look forward to glancing back later to see and remember what I am praying for now.
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