Happy Father's Day

A few months ago as my husband and I planned out our summer itinerary, I said a sentence with such a flow that it shocked me for a moment and I then found myself agreeing with it..”You decide what you want to do on Father’s Day and we will do that, because I will not be celebrating it.”

Here we are on Father’s Day and I still feel the same way. For the first time since I could remember I am not nostalgic on this day. I am not avoiding social media, reminiscing, or my family. I am embracing. 

*stop and smile at what I just realized God has done*

Ecclesiastes 3:5 (NKJV)

A time to cast away stones, and a time to gather stones; a time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing;

God gave me this verse around the same time I said that shocking sentence and I have prayed ever sense of what that could possibly mean. In the mean time, God has given me opportunities to focus on embracing, and has reminded me that I don’t have to embrace. 

If you are new to my story let me give you a short recap You have probably gathered by now that if I am not celebrating Father’s Day then that must mean I don’t have a father. You would be correct, I don’t have an earthly father - not biologically at least. Mine died when I was the young age of six, making August 19th, 1999 my day of grace. Day of grace, Jenn? Meaning, from that day satan has tried to use this void in my life to destroy me. However, God’s unfailing grace has defeated satan’s plan over and over and over and over… again… you get it. 

This past year God has shown His glory and His growth in my life. As I recently explained to a friend; it’s a supernatural growth. I don’t know how to describe it to you. It’s just GOD. 

I messaged a few friends last night and let them know that for once I was not depressed that Father’s Day is here. I didn’t want them to feel concerned for me; sending me comforting messages throughout the day.  I am fine and here’s why despite how cliche it is… this year of growth has taught me that I do have a Father who loves, accepts, and yearns to see me grow. 

Well duh, Jenn! God is our Almighty God. He is a Good, Good Father… yes, and that song is playing as I type….  but I had grown numb to Who He Is. I had lost that tangible joy in my life. Sorry, not lost, misplaced. I let other events, people, and whatever else take that special place in my heart. I let other things fill His void; you know that one precious thing He had been chasing my heart for all of this time?

*stopping to smile again*  

A few days ago I researched growth in the bible and came across this passage:

Hebrews 6 (NLT)

So let us stop going over the basic teachings about Christ again and again. Let us go on instead and become mature in our understanding. Surely we don’t need to start again with the fundamental importance of repenting from evil deeds and placing our faith in God. You don’t need further instruction about baptisms, the laying on of hands, the resurrection of the dead, and eternal judgement. And so, God willing, we will move forward to further understanding. 

I don’t know about you, but I find this really refreshing! Thankfully, I am state-side for the summer with rejuvenation in mind. But, I grew up with this personal mindset to always keep myself in such a “place” that I could run back to my mentors for instruction. Running back? What about running forward? My Father wants me to run to growth, to Him! His Word tells us over and over (1 Cor 9,  2 Tim 2, John 20, 2 Chr 23…).

My Father doesn’t want me running back to the sadness and mourning of what I missed, or what my Daddy missed. My God wants me to embrace what I have been given. I am to embrace the strength, wisdom, and the knowledge that I am no fatherless being. In fact, God has given me fathers in abundance! 

*stopping to laugh at God’s work* 

My Father, like all, longs to hear me giggle with excitement and so He chooses moments like now to nurture just that. He LIVES for this! 

Readers everywhere, have an amazing Father’s Day! Embrace the Father that you still get to talk to, listen to, the One who can still comfort you, and the One who loves giving you moments of laughter. 

Fear, not be feared

"Trust in Me", says the LORD

For a majority of my life I have despised feelings. Whether it has been feelings felt, or feelings I had to give - I don't like them. Some feel great, they are exciting, so exciting your heart burns and tears run down your face. Others are horrible, disgusting, burning but empty.........

Feelings can lead to thankfulness or anxiety and depression that leads to asking God "Why?" 

Why are You doing this to me? Why is my chest burning but empty and aching, and the only way to cure the ache is by holding my bear so close to my chest the two become one, and then the tears... they flood down my face like autumn rain through freshly cleaned rain gutters... It doesn't stop. I can hear myself sobbing, my voice whaling and wanting to be able to cover my mouth without suffocating myself more, but.... there's no cure. 

For years as a child I watched depression - this weird hormone effecting illness - victimize those I loved so dearly. Inevitability, the same destructing predator caught me and slowly over the years has tried to make me as one of its own. 

Until I got the opportunity to walk a friend through the same storm I never realized how strong the winds really were. Now here I am, day 3 of fighting the aches, sensitivity and tears that want to break free; I finally decided that enough was enough and I was going to take back my life. It still hurts though. The worry is still grabbing at me through the prison cells I have it locked away in in my mind and it reminds me of the fear of my next post-op check up. Will everything be okay? 

Will I get the news I need? I need to hear that things are okay. I need to know that I don't have to continue taking medicine that is only triggering the madness that is wreaking havoc in my body. I need to know that another surgery is not on the horizon. I NEED TO KNO..... 

"No you don't..." Trust in ME, says the Lord. 

John 14:1 "Do not let your hearts be troubled. You believe in God; believe also in me."

Psalm 18:2 - The Lord is my rock and my fortress and my deliverer; My God, my Strength, in whom I will; my Shield and the horn of my salvation, my Stronghold. 

TO BE CONTINUED......

Don't let this be the last Hallelujah.

I lay down attempting to sleep, with worship music playing in the background. It doesn't work. I go to an instrumental playlist that is softer. It doesn't work. Then to an even softer playlist all about piano pieces... nothing.

The next day I decide to get myself going with some Christian Rock. After a while I try slowing it down to something I can get my heart into....... let's go even softer to music that is liTerally made to get you in that mood of worship. Why isn't this working? I think to myself, "If I could just form the words of the songs and just sing what I know is......true..... then this will all be fi--."

Wait a minute,  I know these words are true. I know what they are saying about Jesus is true, and the peace, and His love. It's all true but it all feels numb and without meaning. But there is so much meaning!! One of my love languages is words of affirmation, has that changed? Well no,  because I still feel like I am on cloud nine when someone shows me their love for me in words, so that can't be it.

Or, have I just become a follower who knows the truth so well that these routine songs and words are just dry and empty to me? God is very much still working in my life, I am still seeking Him and praying, I am still seeing Him answer those prayers.... but I feel myself wanting more.  Have I gotten comfortable? I certainly don't feel comfortable with the 10 million things on my mind that are keeping me awake at night. The broken record that is forcing it's "on" switch in my brain and making me hear that I am going to fail at these plans even though the saying is that "if you fail to plan, you plan to fail."

I am trying to get ahead. I want to be able to see the ocean shore when we get to January 10th and students come back to school for a second semester. I definitely do not want to start at knee deep. Actually, could God just come build me a beach house and put me in there? That is safe enough, right, and it will hold off any potential drowning until much later.....unless God sends me a tsunami. Hm. There's no running away from this, is there Jonah?

So I am craving a deeper relationship? Got it. I am craving to be fed in ways that I have not had in quite some time. There is something out there that my spiritual life is yearning for and I just can't put my finger on it..... or near it? Am I even in the same world as it? A dear friend was recently visiting a church and she said this to the youth, "When I imagine missionaries I am not what I would imagine." We both chuckled over the phone because I could relate. When I think of missionaries I imagine people who have it together. They are somewhat aware of how to walk out onto to the next step in their life without worrying if the ocean is going to swallow them.

I have personally never been one to worry. I told another friend recently that once my husband and I were dating I noticed that I didn't worry near as much because he seemed to always have stuff on his mind. I get that now - he was in college. I now constantly have things on my mind. It's on my mind as I type. But, as December rolled around the thoughts got heavier. It feels like there is a storm brewing above me, an angry storm brewing above me as I stand on this ocean shore knowing that there are things I need to take care of.

Is it going to pour down and overtake me later, or am I automatically trusting that God is actually disguising it as blessings? Or, am I again automatically trusting that even though it may be a storm that He is going to hold an umbrella tightly over my head so that I don't get completely washed away?  Which is it Big Guy? Have I mentioned that I am a little worried? I am an over-thinker who likes to write and is now worrying, oh joy.

Yesterday's verse of the day on YouVersion said:
1 John 4:11-12
After you have suffered for a little while, the God of all grace, who called you to His eternal glory in Christ, will Himself perfect, confirm, strengthen and establish you.

So regardless of where I am standing on this ocean shore or what comes pouring out of those dark and scary storm clouds, it is to perfect, confirm, strengthen, and establish me. Well that makes since if you reference this to Romans 8:28 - And we know that God causes all things to work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose. 

Okay, this makes sense and I have been reminding myself of my own belief - JESUS IS ENOUGH. No matter what is going on, no matter who is hurting me, no matter what lie Satan in trying to feed me - JESUS IS ENOUGH. His grace is ENOUGH and sufficient for me. My feelings and hunger for more of Him is no surprise to Him. In fact, I am one of those silly christians that believes everything happens for a reason. With that being said, I am hungry and craving for a purpose. What that is, only God knows..... ha ha ha.... *insert eye roll*

See? THAT is what I mean. The same, old, cliche stuff isn't hitting the spot anymore. I need more. Or do I need a heart check.....

But, as I wait PATIENTLY for the waves to build and for this storm to release all it has I will find that song (liTerally speaking) to sing. I will find that perfect Hallelujah because I have not yet sung my last.

Sing in the storm. Sing out His name. As 7eventh Time Down says, Just Say Jesus -  in fact that has been my song lately. And now that sweet little hymn is playing in my head.
(Jesus, Jesus, Je-sus.  it's the sweetest Name I know.)

Psalm 40:3
He put a new song in my mouth; a song of praise to our God; Many will see and fear and will trust in the Lord.

No Time to Worry or Complain

Rejoice always. Pray without ceasing. Give thanks.

Rejoice for everything. Rejoice when you are battling depression and social anxiety. Rejoice when you are getting news that you will need surgery. Rejoice even when you feel like a total failure as a teacher. Rejoice when your loved ones are suffering right in front of you. REJOICE. James 1:2

Pray without ceasing. Last year, when I first came across this scripture and read it in the context of be ready to go into battle with my sword (Bible) at my side and Jesus at all sides blocking off the enemy, I didn't know how hard it would be to live out those words. Pray without ceasing; pray when you don't even know what to say. Those moments when your brain is like a piece of A4 copying paper and you have no resources to make it say what you need it to. Or, when you are so numb to everything around you that you physically cannot make your mouth motion the words you want so badly to come out, and when you do try to speak, you find that your voice has retired too, leaving you croaking like a frog. Still, we are to pray without ceasing. How?!

Give thanks. Oh man. So God wants me to give thanks that I am having a difficult time? He wants me to thank Him for my loved ones suffering? He wants me to shout unto JOY in PRAYER and give THANKS that things just aren't going fantastic?! Or as my Jesus Calling devotional words it, "If you are serious about learning to pray continually, the best approach is to thank Me in every situation."

"Thank Me in every situation." 

This time last year, I was having a conversation with students that Mrs. Jenn thanked God for everything all the time and was praying all of the time. Mrs. Jenn can barely name the color of the shirt she is wearing. 

But to answer that question (He wants me to shout unto JOY in PRAYER and give THANKS that things just aren't going fantastic?!) ... Yeah, He does! Because He is the bread of life. He is the Beginner and Finisher of our faith. He tells our sufferings where to go and how long to be there. He is our Teacher, showing us His love in ways that He NEEDS to, not how we need Him to. He is our Father who gives us what we NEED, being the WONDERFUL  Jehovah Jireh, providing for us in ways we didn't even know was necessary. God is a mystery but His surprises make it worth it all.

Tonight as I type these words, my mind is still processing my day and attempting to prepare itself for the week to come. I also have a verse from devotion sticking to me. I have read it several times and still can't get my brain to focus on the words ...

Romans 15:13

Now may the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, that you may abound in hope by the power of the Holy Spirit. 

He wants us to live in joy and peace. God doesn't give us unfortunate circumstances to make us stir and cause us grief. Excuse me while I be your typical Christian full of faith and wonder, but I am a firm believer "that everything happens for a reason". Again, I am full of faith AND wonder, so I do wonder what in the world God is doing, but I am also full of faith. The days that my wonder is getting hit by a whirlwind of doubt my faith automatically tells me that He is still holding the remote control and is aware of what is showing on my "screen," what is coming up on my "TV guide," and can tell when I have had enough and just need to be "turned off." (I have a thing for analogies, if you can't tell.)

One of our leaders uses a great reference from the Bible in all of His messages about salvation explaining that even the ole saint Apostle Paul rededicated his life to Christ every day. If he needed to, then I know I need to at least every five minutes ... I teach Bible to strong-willed fourth, fifth and sixth-graders.

So I challenge you to James 4:8 

Draw near to God and He will draw near to you. Cleanse your hands, you sinners; and purify your hearts, you double-minded. 

and

1 Thessalonians 5:16-18

Rejoice always, pray without ceasing, in everything give thanks; for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you."

Please join us prayer for my upcoming surgery on December 2nd. 

Time and Place for Growth

Two year old tantrums in your 20's are something else, because you know your strength could break quite a few things, you know all the bad words and a few in other languages, crying is a terrible look on you, and anybody near enough to see or hear you thinks you belong in an insane asylum. I am not saying that I don't.... but, I digress.

My schedule has changed about 7 billion times, my sleep schedule hates me, my digestive system has been in cahoots with my lady systems, and my brain has been trying to escape it all.  I recently read a "Did you know?" little fun fact on Facebook that while sleeping between 3 and 4 AM your body does this weird thing where it basically dies.... oddly enough I am normally wide awake at around 3:30.... every. single. night.... does that make me immortal?!

This school year I am teaching Bible to 4th, 5th, and 6th grade students. Some classes are funner and easier than others, and the others force me to remember that I am a Bible teacher and there are some things I just can't say or do. I'm human. Overall, though, I have seen God work mightily like last year. He enjoys helping those He loves to grow, get uncomfortable, squirm in their seat... and He does not care if you have a temper tantrum. Well, I assume this is so because He sees me having them and He hasn't stuck me in a straitjacket.

"If you don't struggle, you won't grow." -- God spoke this to me last year and I have kept it near to my heart and shared it with others many times since. I am here to be an example, I mean, hello He has purposed me to teach His Word this school year... what?! So why am I struggling? Why does He have to make teaching His Word so hard? I have to walk into a classroom trusting that He is going to speak through me instead of me standing there just rambling about only HE knows what. But, if I don't struggle, I won't grow. If I am not convicted to be better in front of these students while teaching them, gaining difficulty while trying to teach about the greatness of our God, am I even doing it right?

Seriously, am I?

This has been... yes, a struggle for me this year as I applied for college and didn't get in... YET, as we learned my husband was denied a visa and we could be facing different cost and separation so we can resolve this, as I started doctor's visits to diffuse an issue (God is currently healing), as I work tirelessly to be there for friends who desperately need me, as I make lesson plans and pray to God that He will indeed use my notes to speak through me, and lastly, as I day in and day out try to accept myself for who I am and remember that I am not perfect.

I know there is a saying that there is "No rest for the weary." and God calls us to rest our weary head on Him (Matthew 11:28), but can a girl get a vacation soon?

I recently went to a Bible study that I did not want to attend, it's actually why I had a "little" tantrum as mentioned above. I'm an introvert, who suffers from social anxiety, and after teaching all day I would really love to come home and unwind and take care of my loved ones. But, nonetheless God had something He needed me to hear and so I gave Him an attitude and He gave me smile, pat on the back, and made sure I had a ride. Oh Jesus. *insert eye roll*
At this Bible study we discussed 1 Peter 3:1-6, and verse 6 in particular hit me hard. Let me note that this was at the beginning of the study.... God had me go for the beginning, errr... YOU couldn't have just given me this verse to read at home?

Verse 5-6
For in this way in former times the holy women  also, who hoped in God, used to adorn themselves, being submissive to their own husbands; just as Sarah obeyed Abraham, calling him lord, and you have become her children if you do what is right without being frightened by any fear.

Do what is right without any fear. Do not give way to fear. For someone who never really struggles with fear, who completely trusts God all of the time because I know He works good things for those who love Him (Romans 8:28), my recent struggle has been fear. I still completely believe what I just typed, I trust Him because I know His promises, but I have been fearful of what those promises might actually be and if I will be okay with them. I understand that they will be good for me.... but no one asked me if I wanted those plans... whatever they are. In reading that God reminded me of my favorite verse in the Bible, Matthew 6:34,

"So do not worry about tomorrow; for tomorrow will care for itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own." (Jesus speaking)

My question for myself (and anyone reading this), what is there to be afraid of, or worry about when the God of all creation is perfectly designing our lives and has already revealed beautiful promises to us? You might be thinking, "I have desires, places in my heart that need to be filled, specific treasures that my heart longs for." Spoiler alert: Jesus knows. The cool thing about His plans is that not only does He know, but He will purposely put a change in your heart to fit what He has for you. Those things you desire, He will give them to you but in a way that you are TRULY going to love, because He knows you better than you know yourself. "I want it this way!!" But I/you don't.


Because a dear friend of mine is suffering from depression right now I want to extend this challenge I gave to her. I have challenged her to lay down all that she is carrying, giving up all control of the things she cannot change, and be willing to allow God to change her. Encouraging and reminding her that she is capable of these things because God has over and over made Himself real in her life and she has seen it with her own eyes. You have seen it too, whether you want to admit or not, we all have!
Lay down that stuff that is too hard to carry, surrender it back to Him, and allow Him to change you and your heart, especially concerning your desires.

"He has made me glad, O, he has made me glad! I will rejoice for He has made me glad!"
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_jukcsdEUHU

It's Not Over

Lesson plans galore! Schedules hanging on for dear life to be regular! Meeting new teammates! Meeting new students! Watching God move! Seeing the excitement of students! Applying for college.......

I have been watching my days pass by as I prayed about my next blog post.  So much went on over the summer -- blessings, after blessings, after blessings! We worked tire-fully (you know opposite of tirelessly) to fund raise, speak to churches, visit family and friends, and also prepare for our coming back home (Bethlehem) and seeing the city and children we have come to love so much... all within 5 short weeks! And I love that even when you are busy working for the Kingdom, God still throws in a few obstacles to remind you to stay humble and seek Him. He's a GOOD, GOOD FATHER!

And He loves challenging those that He loves!

Our month of July we spent resting, preparing, ministering to children at a Summer Camp we ran at the school, and also ministering to those that needed a little extra help.

Now here we are in August and God still chooses to challenge us. "There's no rest for the weary." 

I recently came across a familiar Evangelist, John Gray, and I heard for the first time his message that is titled "It's Not Over". Because I love the way he spoke I decided to look up more of his messages and came across different sources that provided them. However, in the 3 times in the past few days I have found a video it was the exact same message just at different locations. At first I was a little thrown that in the whole WWW  I would find two of the same messages by the same guy. But, it wasn't over, because the next day I found yet another video. So for a third time, I sat down and watched the entire message, same references, same jokes, same everything. And I felt God tug at my heart over my recent prayers..... IT'S NOT OVER.

The challenge isn't over.

This school year I got asked to substitute for an incoming teacher, and once that was over I would go into teaching my classes -- Bible and also still running the Library. Well, for those who know me, they know that I am a bit of an over achiever. If  I am going to do it, I want to do it right because I like to feel proud of myself. In my devotion time I have been praying for motivation over myself in ONE specific area, and also praying some scripture over myself as well. 

God spoke to me in my prayer for this post and as I thought about what He has been teaching me recently, He said, "I don't just work in parts of your life, I work in your life." So while I am praying for motivation over in an important area for myself right now, God is motivating all aspects of my life. This turned into a very busy ME. I am an over achiever with a big servants heart and God.... well He poured a little Miracle Growth on that and I was going full throttle!

Colossians 1: 9-14

For this reason, since the day we heard about you, we have not stopped praying for you. We continually ask God to fill you with the knowledge of His will through all the wisdom and understanding that the Spirit gives, so that you may live a life worthy of the Lord and please Him in every way; bearing fruit in every good work, growing in the knowledge of  God, being strengthened with all power according to His glorious might so that you may have great endurance and patience, and giving joyful thanks to the Father, who has qualified you to share in the inheritance of His holy people in the kingdom of light. For He has rescued us from the dominion of darkness and brought us into kingdom of the Son He loves, in whom we have redemption, the forgiveness of sins.

One of two scriptures I have been praying over myself, the other being 1 Timothy 4:12-16.

He has qualified us and says that we are worthy. Not only that, but He calls us to walk a life worthy of Him because He has qualified us. 

God sees your claim of disqualification and raises you to QUALIFIED.

It's not over.

In John Gray's message He references Lazarus' death and how it wasn't over for him, or sisters. They just needed motivation... a faith accelerator. 

John 11:4 

When He heard this, Jesus said, "This sickness will not end in death. No, it is for God's glory so that God's Son may be glorified through it."

God will take us through tough times and challenges, not to harm us, but so we can see His glory!

John 11:1-44

God has motivated places in my life that I didn't think needed motivation, but in order for us to grow He challenges.

I challenge you for the next time you face a hard time, or even a moment that may seem challenging, remember that, that struggle isn't made to destroy you, it's made to strengthen you. You are qualified to handle whatever it is that God hands you, and.... It's not over.

If you like to watch the same message by John Gray:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YxffDGY0mA0


Below I have attached a few photos from our Summer Camp:

They wrote their own stories.

Message and Worship -- prayer

We have FREEDOM in our worship!

Playing a game to see how many bubbles they could blow.