This morning God allowed me to see the most beautiful thing. After years of prayer, petition, planting the seed, waiting for God to move in our hearts... sitting in our office spending my quiet time, I looked into the living where my beautiful husband sat with his breakfast and did his quiet time. Since we began our relationship, seven years ago, I have asked God to bring our hearts into unity. I desired this time where my family sat rather alone or together, but at the same spending time with Jesus.

Plant the seed. Water it with prayer. Wait for the Harvester to do His work.

I sit in my classroom sharpening pencils for students and God begins then to put this strong burden on my heart. It is painful, but it is important to God. But while I am sharpening pencils, goodness that is hard. Like, God, I have things to accomplish... "Yeah, Me too."

We started school last Monday, and it was just five days before the fact that after years of planting the seed of doing my own daily devotions I was on a steady pace. Everyday, either right before I get ready, or most likely immediately after once I have waken up enough. It happened. My journal has the dates to prove it... August 16th, August 17th, August 18th, August 19th... of that 19th. And I know that if this new routine hadn't begun when it did my first week of school would have been an epic disaster. It's almost as if I am in one of those rooms that looks into a holding room with a two-way mirror. I can almost see the disaster that waited for me. Oh thank You for the Your discernment, Father!

Day of Grace

If you are a regular reader of my blogs then you know by now that I enjoy reflecting. Really, I just like seeing how God moved in that situation, and then He gives me a cool perspective while I write.

Last summer I sat with my mentor on her living room floor and she helped me build my testimony story. We titled it "My Day of Grace." August 19th, 1999,  Jesus took my Daddy to be with Him in Heaven. The events that followed that day were to be the cause of what made me, me.

I would soon deal with struggles far beyond my years. I would become independent with what my single mom provided me. I would struggle in school and do the absolute bare minimum. I would be bullied and misunderstood. I would gain perspective and understanding. And, I would gain wisdom and a sense of knowledge that I didn't quite know what to do with.

In all of these things, it crafted me into who God needed me to be, and then He began chiseling away.
Instead of just independent, He made me strong. Instead of just a bad student, He made me teachable to His Spirit. Instead of just bullied and misunderstood, He made me encouraging and passionate for serving others.

I might have been fatherless on Earth, but He was teaching me as a Father teaches His child. I would 'fall' and He was still there waiting for me to ask for His help.

One day I finally accepted Him as more than my Father, but as my best friend and Lord of my heart. He then followed that event with a mentor. He was still chiseling away at my heart. She would poke and prod and stare into my soul waiting for me to pick up the wisdom she knew I had and use it. I started to learn what family was.

Years went by and I grew more into my spiritual clothing. One day came that I met this "servant of God" to the states and I learned about this life where you could travel the world and tell people about Jesus. Every bell in my heart rang!!! Traveling! Jesus! Send me, Father! I'll go! Two years later at kids camp God knocked on the door of my heart again... "Children's Ministry!" Yes, Lord! Send me! I'll go!


One month and a half later, in the summer of 2010... I was dating my husband... that I met at that camp.

Oh the places we would go, ministering to different teens! God had called my husband to minister to youth and so we served there. I waited for my moment. I knew it was coming. I would see the day that I got to be "crazy Mrs. Jenn who teaches us about Jesus!"

2015... the call came. Go to Bethlehem. Some of them haven't heard and they need YOU.
Okay, God! Send us, we'll go!! A total of four bags, and an eighteen hour trip later... hello Bethlehem!
We served, worked, prayed, worshipped, got frustrated, cried, made friends, traveled, and God still beckons our hearts for this land.

2017... we are still here. We still love it. And on my "Day of Grace" I get to start my dream job as the Children's Pastor.  How does that even happen?!
Yesterday I sat with a friend and shared about how today was THAT day, as in it's THAT sad day as I mourn what my father and I lost, but it's also THAT day that changed my life for the better! I was asked how do I feel about it and I responded with mixed feelings. "I don't really have time tomorrow to just mourn and do nothing.........wait a minute......*looks to heaven*, Okay God, now THAT is funny!!" It was in that moment that I realized what God had just done. He is good, guys.

All the struggle, pain, the days where God overwhelms, and also the days where it seems as He has broken our hearts... it's all for a purpose. Thank You, Jesus.

2 Corinthians 4:16-17
Therefore we do not lose heart. Even though our outward man is perishing, yet the inward man is being renewed day by day. For our light affliction, which is but for a moment, is working for us a far more exceeding and eternal weight of glory.

Happy Father's Day

A few months ago as my husband and I planned out our summer itinerary, I said a sentence with such a flow that it shocked me for a moment and I then found myself agreeing with it..”You decide what you want to do on Father’s Day and we will do that, because I will not be celebrating it.”

Here we are on Father’s Day and I still feel the same way. For the first time since I could remember I am not nostalgic on this day. I am not avoiding social media, reminiscing, or my family. I am embracing. 

*stop and smile at what I just realized God has done*

Ecclesiastes 3:5 (NKJV)

A time to cast away stones, and a time to gather stones; a time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing;

God gave me this verse around the same time I said that shocking sentence and I have prayed ever sense of what that could possibly mean. In the mean time, God has given me opportunities to focus on embracing, and has reminded me that I don’t have to embrace. 

If you are new to my story let me give you a short recap You have probably gathered by now that if I am not celebrating Father’s Day then that must mean I don’t have a father. You would be correct, I don’t have an earthly father - not biologically at least. Mine died when I was the young age of six, making August 19th, 1999 my day of grace. Day of grace, Jenn? Meaning, from that day satan has tried to use this void in my life to destroy me. However, God’s unfailing grace has defeated satan’s plan over and over and over and over… again… you get it. 

This past year God has shown His glory and His growth in my life. As I recently explained to a friend; it’s a supernatural growth. I don’t know how to describe it to you. It’s just GOD. 

I messaged a few friends last night and let them know that for once I was not depressed that Father’s Day is here. I didn’t want them to feel concerned for me; sending me comforting messages throughout the day.  I am fine and here’s why despite how cliche it is… this year of growth has taught me that I do have a Father who loves, accepts, and yearns to see me grow. 

Well duh, Jenn! God is our Almighty God. He is a Good, Good Father… yes, and that song is playing as I type….  but I had grown numb to Who He Is. I had lost that tangible joy in my life. Sorry, not lost, misplaced. I let other events, people, and whatever else take that special place in my heart. I let other things fill His void; you know that one precious thing He had been chasing my heart for all of this time?

*stopping to smile again*  

A few days ago I researched growth in the bible and came across this passage:

Hebrews 6 (NLT)

So let us stop going over the basic teachings about Christ again and again. Let us go on instead and become mature in our understanding. Surely we don’t need to start again with the fundamental importance of repenting from evil deeds and placing our faith in God. You don’t need further instruction about baptisms, the laying on of hands, the resurrection of the dead, and eternal judgement. And so, God willing, we will move forward to further understanding. 

I don’t know about you, but I find this really refreshing! Thankfully, I am state-side for the summer with rejuvenation in mind. But, I grew up with this personal mindset to always keep myself in such a “place” that I could run back to my mentors for instruction. Running back? What about running forward? My Father wants me to run to growth, to Him! His Word tells us over and over (1 Cor 9,  2 Tim 2, John 20, 2 Chr 23…).

My Father doesn’t want me running back to the sadness and mourning of what I missed, or what my Daddy missed. My God wants me to embrace what I have been given. I am to embrace the strength, wisdom, and the knowledge that I am no fatherless being. In fact, God has given me fathers in abundance! 

*stopping to laugh at God’s work* 

My Father, like all, longs to hear me giggle with excitement and so He chooses moments like now to nurture just that. He LIVES for this! 

Readers everywhere, have an amazing Father’s Day! Embrace the Father that you still get to talk to, listen to, the One who can still comfort you, and the One who loves giving you moments of laughter. 

Fear, not be feared

"Trust in Me", says the LORD

For a majority of my life I have despised feelings. Whether it has been feelings felt, or feelings I had to give - I don't like them. Some feel great, they are exciting, so exciting your heart burns and tears run down your face. Others are horrible, disgusting, burning but empty.........

Feelings can lead to thankfulness or anxiety and depression that leads to asking God "Why?" 

Why are You doing this to me? Why is my chest burning but empty and aching, and the only way to cure the ache is by holding my bear so close to my chest the two become one, and then the tears... they flood down my face like autumn rain through freshly cleaned rain gutters... It doesn't stop. I can hear myself sobbing, my voice whaling and wanting to be able to cover my mouth without suffocating myself more, but.... there's no cure. 

For years as a child I watched depression - this weird hormone effecting illness - victimize those I loved so dearly. Inevitability, the same destructing predator caught me and slowly over the years has tried to make me as one of its own. 

Until I got the opportunity to walk a friend through the same storm I never realized how strong the winds really were. Now here I am, day 3 of fighting the aches, sensitivity and tears that want to break free; I finally decided that enough was enough and I was going to take back my life. It still hurts though. The worry is still grabbing at me through the prison cells I have it locked away in in my mind and it reminds me of the fear of my next post-op check up. Will everything be okay? 

Will I get the news I need? I need to hear that things are okay. I need to know that I don't have to continue taking medicine that is only triggering the madness that is wreaking havoc in my body. I need to know that another surgery is not on the horizon. I NEED TO KNO..... 

"No you don't..." Trust in ME, says the Lord. 

John 14:1 "Do not let your hearts be troubled. You believe in God; believe also in me."

Psalm 18:2 - The Lord is my rock and my fortress and my deliverer; My God, my Strength, in whom I will; my Shield and the horn of my salvation, my Stronghold. 

TO BE CONTINUED......

Don't let this be the last Hallelujah.

I lay down attempting to sleep, with worship music playing in the background. It doesn't work. I go to an instrumental playlist that is softer. It doesn't work. Then to an even softer playlist all about piano pieces... nothing.

The next day I decide to get myself going with some Christian Rock. After a while I try slowing it down to something I can get my heart into....... let's go even softer to music that is liTerally made to get you in that mood of worship. Why isn't this working? I think to myself, "If I could just form the words of the songs and just sing what I know is......true..... then this will all be fi--."

Wait a minute,  I know these words are true. I know what they are saying about Jesus is true, and the peace, and His love. It's all true but it all feels numb and without meaning. But there is so much meaning!! One of my love languages is words of affirmation, has that changed? Well no,  because I still feel like I am on cloud nine when someone shows me their love for me in words, so that can't be it.

Or, have I just become a follower who knows the truth so well that these routine songs and words are just dry and empty to me? God is very much still working in my life, I am still seeking Him and praying, I am still seeing Him answer those prayers.... but I feel myself wanting more.  Have I gotten comfortable? I certainly don't feel comfortable with the 10 million things on my mind that are keeping me awake at night. The broken record that is forcing it's "on" switch in my brain and making me hear that I am going to fail at these plans even though the saying is that "if you fail to plan, you plan to fail."

I am trying to get ahead. I want to be able to see the ocean shore when we get to January 10th and students come back to school for a second semester. I definitely do not want to start at knee deep. Actually, could God just come build me a beach house and put me in there? That is safe enough, right, and it will hold off any potential drowning until much later.....unless God sends me a tsunami. Hm. There's no running away from this, is there Jonah?

So I am craving a deeper relationship? Got it. I am craving to be fed in ways that I have not had in quite some time. There is something out there that my spiritual life is yearning for and I just can't put my finger on it..... or near it? Am I even in the same world as it? A dear friend was recently visiting a church and she said this to the youth, "When I imagine missionaries I am not what I would imagine." We both chuckled over the phone because I could relate. When I think of missionaries I imagine people who have it together. They are somewhat aware of how to walk out onto to the next step in their life without worrying if the ocean is going to swallow them.

I have personally never been one to worry. I told another friend recently that once my husband and I were dating I noticed that I didn't worry near as much because he seemed to always have stuff on his mind. I get that now - he was in college. I now constantly have things on my mind. It's on my mind as I type. But, as December rolled around the thoughts got heavier. It feels like there is a storm brewing above me, an angry storm brewing above me as I stand on this ocean shore knowing that there are things I need to take care of.

Is it going to pour down and overtake me later, or am I automatically trusting that God is actually disguising it as blessings? Or, am I again automatically trusting that even though it may be a storm that He is going to hold an umbrella tightly over my head so that I don't get completely washed away?  Which is it Big Guy? Have I mentioned that I am a little worried? I am an over-thinker who likes to write and is now worrying, oh joy.

Yesterday's verse of the day on YouVersion said:
1 John 4:11-12
After you have suffered for a little while, the God of all grace, who called you to His eternal glory in Christ, will Himself perfect, confirm, strengthen and establish you.

So regardless of where I am standing on this ocean shore or what comes pouring out of those dark and scary storm clouds, it is to perfect, confirm, strengthen, and establish me. Well that makes since if you reference this to Romans 8:28 - And we know that God causes all things to work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose. 

Okay, this makes sense and I have been reminding myself of my own belief - JESUS IS ENOUGH. No matter what is going on, no matter who is hurting me, no matter what lie Satan in trying to feed me - JESUS IS ENOUGH. His grace is ENOUGH and sufficient for me. My feelings and hunger for more of Him is no surprise to Him. In fact, I am one of those silly christians that believes everything happens for a reason. With that being said, I am hungry and craving for a purpose. What that is, only God knows..... ha ha ha.... *insert eye roll*

See? THAT is what I mean. The same, old, cliche stuff isn't hitting the spot anymore. I need more. Or do I need a heart check.....

But, as I wait PATIENTLY for the waves to build and for this storm to release all it has I will find that song (liTerally speaking) to sing. I will find that perfect Hallelujah because I have not yet sung my last.

Sing in the storm. Sing out His name. As 7eventh Time Down says, Just Say Jesus -  in fact that has been my song lately. And now that sweet little hymn is playing in my head.
(Jesus, Jesus, Je-sus.  it's the sweetest Name I know.)

Psalm 40:3
He put a new song in my mouth; a song of praise to our God; Many will see and fear and will trust in the Lord.

No Time to Worry or Complain

Rejoice always. Pray without ceasing. Give thanks.

Rejoice for everything. Rejoice when you are battling depression and social anxiety. Rejoice when you are getting news that you will need surgery. Rejoice even when you feel like a total failure as a teacher. Rejoice when your loved ones are suffering right in front of you. REJOICE. James 1:2

Pray without ceasing. Last year, when I first came across this scripture and read it in the context of be ready to go into battle with my sword (Bible) at my side and Jesus at all sides blocking off the enemy, I didn't know how hard it would be to live out those words. Pray without ceasing; pray when you don't even know what to say. Those moments when your brain is like a piece of A4 copying paper and you have no resources to make it say what you need it to. Or, when you are so numb to everything around you that you physically cannot make your mouth motion the words you want so badly to come out, and when you do try to speak, you find that your voice has retired too, leaving you croaking like a frog. Still, we are to pray without ceasing. How?!

Give thanks. Oh man. So God wants me to give thanks that I am having a difficult time? He wants me to thank Him for my loved ones suffering? He wants me to shout unto JOY in PRAYER and give THANKS that things just aren't going fantastic?! Or as my Jesus Calling devotional words it, "If you are serious about learning to pray continually, the best approach is to thank Me in every situation."

"Thank Me in every situation." 

This time last year, I was having a conversation with students that Mrs. Jenn thanked God for everything all the time and was praying all of the time. Mrs. Jenn can barely name the color of the shirt she is wearing. 

But to answer that question (He wants me to shout unto JOY in PRAYER and give THANKS that things just aren't going fantastic?!) ... Yeah, He does! Because He is the bread of life. He is the Beginner and Finisher of our faith. He tells our sufferings where to go and how long to be there. He is our Teacher, showing us His love in ways that He NEEDS to, not how we need Him to. He is our Father who gives us what we NEED, being the WONDERFUL  Jehovah Jireh, providing for us in ways we didn't even know was necessary. God is a mystery but His surprises make it worth it all.

Tonight as I type these words, my mind is still processing my day and attempting to prepare itself for the week to come. I also have a verse from devotion sticking to me. I have read it several times and still can't get my brain to focus on the words ...

Romans 15:13

Now may the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, that you may abound in hope by the power of the Holy Spirit. 

He wants us to live in joy and peace. God doesn't give us unfortunate circumstances to make us stir and cause us grief. Excuse me while I be your typical Christian full of faith and wonder, but I am a firm believer "that everything happens for a reason". Again, I am full of faith AND wonder, so I do wonder what in the world God is doing, but I am also full of faith. The days that my wonder is getting hit by a whirlwind of doubt my faith automatically tells me that He is still holding the remote control and is aware of what is showing on my "screen," what is coming up on my "TV guide," and can tell when I have had enough and just need to be "turned off." (I have a thing for analogies, if you can't tell.)

One of our leaders uses a great reference from the Bible in all of His messages about salvation explaining that even the ole saint Apostle Paul rededicated his life to Christ every day. If he needed to, then I know I need to at least every five minutes ... I teach Bible to strong-willed fourth, fifth and sixth-graders.

So I challenge you to James 4:8 

Draw near to God and He will draw near to you. Cleanse your hands, you sinners; and purify your hearts, you double-minded. 

and

1 Thessalonians 5:16-18

Rejoice always, pray without ceasing, in everything give thanks; for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you."

Please join us prayer for my upcoming surgery on December 2nd.