Qualified

Have you messed up so bad that suddenly life was just this big flea? Yes, flea. While most people think flaws, I'm going to go with the more tangible.

Screwing up in this life makes me feel like a flea - I immediately feel that once someone has seen me they are continuously looking for me to make sure I am not anywhere else. I feel like if I move in any direction I will be felt and someone will push me away. Falling short of who we are supposed to be loosens the comfort we have with those that keep everything nice and cozy.

How are we supposed to live like that? People tell us all of the time, "Don't worry about the negative things people say. You don't need their approval, just God's." You know, I am THAT Christian, too. I want to encourage others that it doesn't matter. Jesus is Enough, and He is!
But how do we block out the hurtful stares, the harsh words, and physical feeling of being pushed away?

In devotion recently, God told me to go to Ecclesiastes 3. In the beginning of this chapter the author writes that there is a time for everything. This backs up the loved-by-all-Christians theory that everything happens for a reason. (Yes, I am THAT Christian, too, because I have witnessed this theory first hand on several occasions.)

Ecclesiastes 3:5
A time to cast away stones, and a time to gather stones; a time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing;

 We so often want to get upset and offended when things do not go our way, or maybe someone has offended you with their priorities. What if for a moment we take a look at scripture (Ecclesiastes 3: 1-8) and note the possibility that God is just doing something in fact for a reason. There is a reason why we feel that we are a burden, or as though we are receiving in turn feeling ashamed. Maybe you feel like it is impossible to be YOU.

Friend, I have been there. I am there. It hurts, it sucks, it messes with your brain because it those weak moments Satan comes at us hard... that alone could make you want to run and hide. "What will people think if they knew what went on up there? It is scary. I know that I have wanted to just build up walls, and told myself I would turn away any one new.

Thankfully, before those harsh walls went up God padded the insides with people of strong faith who have encouraged me to not be afraid. I think of Jesus' words to the disciples, "Be of good cheer! It is I; do not be afraid." Just because the waters are rough and scary we should not let it hinder our ministry. Fear is not of Christ, but of Satan, and he has already been defeated. Please do not let defeat, defeat you.

On March 10th God helped me answer a question that Him and I have talked about for a long time; years to be honest. I got my first tattoos, one on each wrist. The left says 'Enough' and the right says 'Qualified'.

Jesus is ENOUGH... and because He is Enough, I am Qualified. The Bible says in Colossians 1 "the Father who has qualified us to be partakes of the inheritance of the saints in the light." There is no screw up too big. God loves His children and hates our sin.

I wish I could say that I, personally, had a special fix to help anyone who is struggling with the shame, guilt, and hurt that they might feel. However, I can only tell you that your answer and comfort is found when you sit in that lonely room and talk to Jesus about what you are feeling. I guarantee you, though, He will hear you and will answer you in some form or fashion.

I pray that you no longer feel the rejection that the world wants to be rid of you. I pray that if you are reading this, and relate, that you walk boldly in the freedom and joy as you remember all that Jesus has given you. And for those of you who do not know what I speak of, well I pray that you don't have to endure this feeling... but if you do, I pray that you as well walk it confidently and encouraged that there is a time for everything.

Jesus is Enough. I am Qualified. 

Vows

"I, Jennifer, take you, Phillip as my husband, to have and to hold from this day forward, for better or for worse, for richer or poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish, till death do us part, according to God's holy ordinance."

Nine years ago I stated those words to my husband with the intent to abide by every word. I knew on the back-burner that life would happen, but at 18 years old I hadn't processed the unthinkable chaos that could potentially ensue. I never imagined hurting him in ways that he'd never hurt me. I never imagined that there would be days I'd dip my toes in the idea of the unspeakable "D" word that should never be spoken in marriage. We have maybe said that word twice in our nine years, in obvious joking. 

Several years ago I slipped into my own blind spot and lost myself in a forbidden darkness of confusion and sin. I let my guard down, though, I'm not sure if there was ever a time that I had it up. I allowed my freely giving heart to be coerced by the idea that I had chosen poorly... or worse, that I'd been chosen poorly. During that time I was surrounded in conversation with others who were just a few years older than me, but longing for intimate companionship. Everything that they described with deep desire, I had with my Phillip. And I felt undeserving. They were older, some wiser, and they seemed to want it so much more. At 18 years old, I hadn't been looking for what they were looking for, it just came to me and I let it in, and I never let it go. You don't let a love like this go. I let temptation dance around in my head. I allowed conversations to let me wander into "what ifs." And worst of all, I allowed my heart to get swept away by this fantasy of, "what if I traded what I have, for what I want now that I'm in my early 20's and free!?" Guys, I was in trouble, and it took a while, a painful while, that would require repentance and healing, and so much forgiveness to reroute my heart from the dangerous cliff I was headed off of. 

Eventually, a few years ago, I crashed hard. My heart was left shattered, truth came out to my Phillip, and just when I thought that maybe I'd pushed him away completely, he pulled me in tighter. Love pulled me in and showed me where it went south. Love forgave me a lot quicker than I forgave myself. Love was patient with me as I navigated my way to healing and restoration. Love held my hand as I became aware of everything and everyone around me. It didn't happen overnight, not the mending. The gluing of my broken, shattered, dust sized pieces of my heart didn't fit back together like before. God began creating something new and even more beautiful from the ashes of burned sin... burning that left scarring. My heart is still able to feel the pain if I let it, but I don't. There's nothing to visit or to feel except smutty sin and smoke inhalation. The hell that I put myself, my marriage, and nearly my ministry in is unforgettable to me. 

Since that period of my life, I decided that on the night, pre-whatever new ministry was starting the next day, or this on our anniversary, I would wash Phillip's feet and quote new vows to him. See, the traditional vows are special, but they are the goal on the surface. My marriage, all marriages really, needs vows for the deep places that the sun doesn't shine. And those don't come for long term, because like the ocean, life changes constantly in the deep. Our lives and marriage has seen a lot of change in nine years, including 3+ countries. I have been praying over this year's vows already. I have been starting this process by communicating with Phillip to understand where his heart is exactly and what that beautiful organ needs from me in the foreseeable future. 

Daddy God, I ask that you pour Your sweetness into my heart. A warmth that burns like lava for my Phillip. I ask that You go before me and meet me on my days of unbelief and restore my heart to see Your glory. I pray that on the days that my thoughts cloud my judgment, that You will give me clarity to communicate effectively with Phillip. I pray that my awareness does not get blind sided as I mother my sweet girl. I pray for healing everyday, no matter how small the wound, I ask for healing. I ask that You help me stay one-step under Phillip in submission. I pray for his leadership and that he is able to keep a sober mind to see which direction You are leading us. I pray that You strengthen him like Moses, and send him encourage-rs to help shift his weight as he lives to honor and serve You. Bless Phillip, Jesus. Bless him like You did with feeding 5,000. I pray that You give him an abundance of wisdom and grace in his leadership ministry. I ask that You give him a sense of wholeness in his roles; that he knows that he is enough. I ask these things in Jesus name. Amen.

I don't how often it is that you pray for your spouse, and if I'm honest, it's usually once a week or every other week for me. Pray for your spouse. Pray for their heart. Pray for their relationship with God. Consider your vows. What are you committing to your spouse? In what ways can you improve in your role as a spouse? 

1 Peter 3: 1-7 NASB
In the same way, you wives, be submissive to your own husbands so that even if any of them are disobedient to the word, they may be won without a word by the behavior of their wives, as they observe your chaste and respectful behavior. Your adornment must not be merely external—braiding the hair, and wearing gold jewelry, or putting on dresses; but let it be the hidden person of the heart, with the imperishable quality of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is precious in the sight of God. For in this way in former times the holy women also, who hoped in God, used to adorn themselves, being submissive to their own husbands; just as Sarah obeyed Abraham, calling him lord, and you have become her children if you do what is right without being frightened by any fear. You husbands in the same way, live with your wives in an understanding way, as with someone weaker, since she is a woman; and show her honor as a fellow heir of the grace of life, so that your prayers will not be hindered.

Psalm 51:10 NASB
Create in me a clean heart, O God, And renew a steadfast spirit within me.

Ezekiel 36:26
I will give you a new heart and put a new spirit in you; I will remove from you your heart of stone and give you a heart of flesh.

I want my Daddy...

"I want my Daddy." And my heart feels the pressure of failure. "I want my Daddy." My nose begins to burn, my jaws quiver in urgency. "I want my Daddy." I say hoping for a revelation.

I want my Daddy.

You may be thinking that I am referring to my earthly father, but no, I mean the heavenly One. The only One I have ever known to always be there, rushing at me with haste, urgently and yet patiently  saying, "It's okay baby."

I want more. I

8 months later...

June 6th, 2019, Natalie made us parents and turned life "right sass-ways." Ha. Granted, in her 8 short months, Natalie has lived in the States, Belize, and now Jordan and has been present for Israel, Turkey, and France. A few weeks before she was born I had a dream that included her God-mother that went like so: her Taeta and I were sitting together and Taeta was hoping to see N kick in-womb. N did, but it was like my abdomen was transparent, and we could see stamps on her feet. It was in that dream it was confirmed that she is stamped and ready for the mission-field. She will serve the kingdom through missions and bringing Jesus to the lost and broken. She will highlight purpose in the lives of others, bringing hope and truth to tired souls. We will teach her that her calling isn't a 'must-do,' but a responsibility. It is her responsibility to fulfill the mission of God that God has given her.

In the mean time, my responsibility...
This morning I pondered back on previous posts and saw God. I saw where He gave me the word "Qualified" as a tattoo before I was certain I was even getting a tattoo. I saw where He revealed the glory He had displayed in my life and how prevalent His anointing is in my life. Have you ever seen God in 2 places at once? We know He is omnipotent, but have we seen it and experienced it?

John 11:40
Then Jesus said, "Did I not tell you that if you believe, you will see the glory of God?"

Isaiah 40:5
And the glory of the Lord will be revealed, and all people will see it together. For the mouth of the Lord has spoken."

Isaiah and Jesus tell us that we will see the glory of the Father. We will see the miracles that Moses, Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob saw... it's not over.

I have always been a mad-dog for spiritual growth and self-improvement, but I have learned that as a mother, there is little-to-no-time for expanding myself. With this in mind, I have had to take a few steps back and observe those in similar situations and learn how they continue to connect with God and focus on their family, allowing themselves to get lost in their purpose and God-identity. My answer, my growth, and my discipline is to simple fill myself up on his Word. I will not look for growth, I will look to be filled because my job right now is to be a vessel that is being continuously pouring out.

Philippians 3: 12-14

Not that I have already obtained all this, or have already arrived at my goal, but I press on to take hold of that for which Christ Jesus took hold of me. Brothers and sisters, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus.

Today marks one week since made the big move to Corozal, Belize. It is hot and humid with one AC unit that we try to use periodically through the day. We have hot water, electricity, the home essentials, and even internet. We are living well and God has thoroughly blessed this transition. And yet, I still feel just as lost as I did when we prepping to come.

My sweet, precious baby. She has been a trooper in this move, and started to become a Mama's girl before we left. She likes to lay on my chest for comfort and let out soft, cute "hoos". Later, she will won't her 'ba-ba', a clean diapy, and a nap. We firmly embrace baby talk in our home. She depends on Mommy and Daddy to pick her up and comfort her when she's upset and/or in need. She's a baby; they're biologically programmed that way.

This afternoon after 'our' morning nap, we took a dip in our little pool to cool off. Afterwards, her and I came back to the room all cleaned off and fed, and she fell asleep on my chest. As I held her I thought of those who are so, so spiritually lost. I thought about those who so desperately need Mommy (the Church) and Daddy God to run to them, comfort them, feed them the bread of Life, and fill their thirsty souls. I thought about how so many are fighting the sleep God has to offer and freshness He brings in new life. I thought about how those who are lost, or maybe wandering, are fighting Him like a baby getting their diapy changed or wanting something that they don't need.

Even as a well-seasoned Christian, who has been through it and seen it, I am still very much a big baby in need of Mommy and Daddy. I still crave being bottled fed the Truth and love that is Christ Jesus. I still need to be picked up and held close and coaxed with shushes to calm down. I still need Jesus.

The last few weeks have been difficult as I desperately ask God to give me something - direction, vision, passion, word of encouragement - and yet, I feel like I'm sitting all alone by a lake listening to crickets chirp. Of course, there's that immature part of me that says, "Well, you've done it now. God has moved on to better things." Haha, silly, right. Thankfully, there that is seasoned part of me that reminds me that God is testing me and wanting me to stretch out of my comfort zone and grow. He wouldn't be wrong; He has allowed me time to cocoon for a while so that He could protect me through a healing process. He is so, so good!! 

The Door That Opened

New Life

You said, "Not yet." You said, "it's coming." You said, "be patient." You said, "I only told you to wait."

October 3rd began like any normal day. I knew I was either pregnant or going to get my period. I had already decided not to retest because, why have two negative tests? But, by 3pm that day I realized my body was giving me signs of something I couldn't comprehend. Tender breast, tired, and thirsty. I had also not felt like myself for over a week. All signs for what we are all thinking... am I pregnant?

We have been trying for four years. Four years of learning patience, acceptance, being told, "It's all in God's timing." Wanting to slap those people after the 5th time I heard the cliche. I learned and relearned patience.

..........

That was over 21 weeks ago. The test came back positive. POSITIVE PREGNANCY TEST. In 21 weeks I have watched my body change in so many ways I have lost count. I have teased with friends that I am no longer in control of my body, which could not be truer. I have heard the sweetest thumping of a little baby's heartbeat. I have seen ultrasounds, and watched this beautiful baby inside ME, grow. SHE :) is growing. #wearegrowing That has been my cute #hashtag for our growing family on social media. We are growing in size (physically and figuratively), spirit, ministry.

...........

It has taken me so long to actually start and then complete this blog. What do I say that I has not already been said? What cute in-aweness can I deliver that another (finally) expectant Mommy hasn't?

At the beginning of this school year, just like last year, I prayed for a word that would describe my growth. I wanted growth. I would not avidly pursue it as I once did for many years, however, I would allow it to happen. I would welcome it with open arms and receive its transformation of spirit, body, and mind. Last year's word was freedom. God wanted to bring into the freedom I so craved from past mistakes. Freedom from every reason I consider were the reasons I was not getting pregnant. I mean, why would God bless us so incredibly we had issues to work out? That was in fact a blessing in of itself! This year's word has been delivered. Aren't those the same words? Well, why don't you ask the Israelites while they wandered the desert for 40 years FREE, but not delivered from their misfortunes and the strongholds on their lives, passed down from generation to generation. The 2 words are not the same, nor is the growth that is given from them. God wants me to be delivered along with being free. He doesn't just want me to leave sin and my past mistakes; He wants to deliver me into new life! And it just so happens that it took 7 years of marriage for this deliverance to happen... THANK GOD IT WASN'T 40!
Seven years. Seven. The number of completion. Not that my life is completed, but that God completed something in me and now it's time for something new. What Satan intended to use to destroy me, God made something new out of it! Healing has made me new. My marriage is new. My ministry is new. The eyes and heart that are seeing what God is doing in my life are.... new. This little girl, she is new!

........

If you could teach your daughter ONE thing, what would it be? 
There is truth and promise in God's Word. 2 Corinthians 5:17 tells us that, "Therefore is anyone is in Christ, the new creation has come: The old is gone, the new is here!"

She is here. She is growing. She is healthy, and we get to meet her in the newness of summer!

The sweetest heartbeat!

Both images are many weeks old, but this is our girl!