Nine years ago I stated those words to my husband with the intent to abide by every word. I knew on the back-burner that life would happen, but at 18 years old I hadn't processed the unthinkable chaos that could potentially ensue. I never imagined hurting him in ways that he'd never hurt me. I never imagined that there would be days I'd dip my toes in the idea of the unspeakable "D" word that should never be spoken in marriage. We have maybe said that word twice in our nine years, in obvious joking.
Several years ago I slipped into my own blind spot and lost myself in a forbidden darkness of confusion and sin. I let my guard down, though, I'm not sure if there was ever a time that I had it up. I allowed my freely giving heart to be coerced by the idea that I had chosen poorly... or worse, that I'd been chosen poorly. During that time I was surrounded in conversation with others who were just a few years older than me, but longing for intimate companionship. Everything that they described with deep desire, I had with my Phillip. And I felt undeserving. They were older, some wiser, and they seemed to want it so much more. At 18 years old, I hadn't been looking for what they were looking for, it just came to me and I let it in, and I never let it go. You don't let a love like this go. I let temptation dance around in my head. I allowed conversations to let me wander into "what ifs." And worst of all, I allowed my heart to get swept away by this fantasy of, "what if I traded what I have, for what I want now that I'm in my early 20's and free!?" Guys, I was in trouble, and it took a while, a painful while, that would require repentance and healing, and so much forgiveness to reroute my heart from the dangerous cliff I was headed off of.
Eventually, a few years ago, I crashed hard. My heart was left shattered, truth came out to my Phillip, and just when I thought that maybe I'd pushed him away completely, he pulled me in tighter. Love pulled me in and showed me where it went south. Love forgave me a lot quicker than I forgave myself. Love was patient with me as I navigated my way to healing and restoration. Love held my hand as I became aware of everything and everyone around me. It didn't happen overnight, not the mending. The gluing of my broken, shattered, dust sized pieces of my heart didn't fit back together like before. God began creating something new and even more beautiful from the ashes of burned sin... burning that left scarring. My heart is still able to feel the pain if I let it, but I don't. There's nothing to visit or to feel except smutty sin and smoke inhalation. The hell that I put myself, my marriage, and nearly my ministry in is unforgettable to me.
Since that period of my life, I decided that on the night, pre-whatever new ministry was starting the next day, or this on our anniversary, I would wash Phillip's feet and quote new vows to him. See, the traditional vows are special, but they are the goal on the surface. My marriage, all marriages really, needs vows for the deep places that the sun doesn't shine. And those don't come for long term, because like the ocean, life changes constantly in the deep. Our lives and marriage has seen a lot of change in nine years, including 3+ countries. I have been praying over this year's vows already. I have been starting this process by communicating with Phillip to understand where his heart is exactly and what that beautiful organ needs from me in the foreseeable future.
Daddy God, I ask that you pour Your sweetness into my heart. A warmth that burns like lava for my Phillip. I ask that You go before me and meet me on my days of unbelief and restore my heart to see Your glory. I pray that on the days that my thoughts cloud my judgment, that You will give me clarity to communicate effectively with Phillip. I pray that my awareness does not get blind sided as I mother my sweet girl. I pray for healing everyday, no matter how small the wound, I ask for healing. I ask that You help me stay one-step under Phillip in submission. I pray for his leadership and that he is able to keep a sober mind to see which direction You are leading us. I pray that You strengthen him like Moses, and send him encourage-rs to help shift his weight as he lives to honor and serve You. Bless Phillip, Jesus. Bless him like You did with feeding 5,000. I pray that You give him an abundance of wisdom and grace in his leadership ministry. I ask that You give him a sense of wholeness in his roles; that he knows that he is enough. I ask these things in Jesus name. Amen.
I don't how often it is that you pray for your spouse, and if I'm honest, it's usually once a week or every other week for me. Pray for your spouse. Pray for their heart. Pray for their relationship with God. Consider your vows. What are you committing to your spouse? In what ways can you improve in your role as a spouse?
1 Peter 3: 1-7 NASB
In the same way, you wives, be submissive to your own husbands so that even if any of them are disobedient to the word, they may be won without a word by the behavior of their wives, as they observe your chaste and respectful behavior. Your adornment must not be merely external—braiding the hair, and wearing gold jewelry, or putting on dresses; but let it be the hidden person of the heart, with the imperishable quality of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is precious in the sight of God. For in this way in former times the holy women also, who hoped in God, used to adorn themselves, being submissive to their own husbands; just as Sarah obeyed Abraham, calling him lord, and you have become her children if you do what is right without being frightened by any fear. You husbands in the same way, live with your wives in an understanding way, as with someone weaker, since she is a woman; and show her honor as a fellow heir of the grace of life, so that your prayers will not be hindered.
Psalm 51:10 NASB
Create in me a clean heart, O God, And renew a steadfast spirit within me.
Ezekiel 36:26
I will give you a new heart and put a new spirit in you; I will remove from you your heart of stone and give you a heart of flesh.
