I've read the articles. I've heard the stories. "I can't do this." "The voices are too loud." "My body hurts." "The fear is captivating."
I have always been sympathetic to those with this pain. I was the one to just try to help them push through, but I didn't understand the battle that they were fighting. And now I wonder... how in the world did they do it? I'm there. I feel the tightness in my stomach that is also butterflies. I feel the pain in my chest. I feel the pressure in my neck, shoulders, and arms. I feel the air in my trachea that doesn't know which way to go, "should I stay in the lungs or leave the body in trembling breaths?" My legs don't know whether to try to force calmness, or to succumb to the agitation moving through my body. What do I do? Where is my safe place? Take me to my safe place!!
I have wondered how my Mom endured this horrible illness. She was a single Mom, she had to provide, and work, and take care of two kids who had no idea what her monsters were... that's so sad. My Mom couldn't just escape to church when she wanted to, and she didn't have many people to talk with... she was alone. If you fit that description, please know that you are not alone.
I have carried this burden with me for years. I witnessed it and I ran from it like the plague. I'm not supposed to struggle like that. When I opened up to my Mom about it she said the same thing, "You're close with God, this shouldn't be an issue for you." Unfortunately, each and every one of us will struggle with something and it's not really something you choose. At least, not many of my struggles have been by choice. Yeah, some were consequences and punishments, but I didn't choose anxiety. I didn't choose to score a 19 on an anxiety disorder test. I didn't choose to read questions and realize how much I have changed... I didn't change, I got hidden.
In this school year my consistent prayer to God has been, "Keep me aware of my thoughts, actions, and words. Protect my mind, mouth, ears, heart, and eyes. In Jesus name." With this in my mind, and as my mentor tells me, I have become a little extra hyper-vigilant. A symptom of anxiety is over-thinking. I get a thought that isn't normal for me, I give it thought. Where is that coming from? What's it root, is it a weed, or is it something that needs my time?
I have watched God change my thought process. I don't speak the same way.
During December, I got the opportunity to travel alone without my husband. God had asked me to step beyond my entire comfort zone, travel for an entire month alone, not even in the same country, and minister. In that time, my time was my own, and I realized just how intentional I could be. I saw where my time and thoughts. I went to Jesus. I sought after Him in a way that went beyond what I had previously been doing! I couldn't wait to apply those principles to my life, my marriage and my ministry in Bethlehem.
I got back to Bethlehem and life hit... as it typically does. Satan found me in my confidence and he tried me. I realized that my faith was in a great place, but I was not being humble. I asked God to humble my faith. I asked God to set me straight. A few weeks later this anxiety came out of the shadows and began roaring it's ugly head. Again, I'm aware of what is going on. I'm not afraid of it. I'm not in control, but I'm not afraid... but hear me, it did bring fear, I just knew Who is in control. I know my Father. My God gave me a word to "Push through." Push through everything in the second paragraph. I trust God that He is still working good things because He knows that I love Him (Romans 8:28). His Word tells me in Deuteronomy 31:6 to be strong and courageous. I get to choose to breathe through the pain. I get to choose to know what I need and to know that my Jesus, my Savior has not forsaken me.
Happy Easter and Resurrection, every day!
Philippians 4:11-13
Not that I speak in regard to need, for I have learned in whatever state I am, to be content. I know how to be abased, and I know how to abound. Everywhere and in all things I have learned both to be full and to be hungry both to abound and to suffer need. I CAN do all things through Christ who strengthens me. (emphasis added)
In my devotion, I have found this song by a dear friend and it is a PUSH in my faith to seek Him further. I encourage you to listen. Know My Father - Rebekah Bullard
