Let There Be Glory

Back in February, the 22nd to be exact, I wrote in my journal addressing God that I wanted this calendar year to be a year of learning who "Jenn" is and learning to fall in love with her. Funny thing is, yesterday I was reading the material for my women's bible study and it mentioned a story including the author. Basically, her father met her teenage boyfriend (many years ago) who was "still finding himself", to which the father later told his daughter that he didn't know his feelings on the young man since he wasn't sure who he was speaking with. The young man hadn't found himself, yet.

Needless to say, I pondered that, and then wondered if I was giving off the same vibe to others. I was giving myself that vibe. I say this because in my growth, seeking Jesus, and allowing God to unveil His truth to me, I have also been given the gift of freedom from past trials and God is in the works of fully delivering me. Praise God for His goodness and grace!! He has given the gift of fresh eyes and introducing me to this new road in how I respond and react to life's circumstances. Even in the moments of temptation! I now approach them with gentleness as God gives me discernment for that specific moment. 

I have seen this picture on different social media outlets (I do not own rights).....

And it's so true and relatable for me. I do remember the days when I jumped in angst at what was uncomfortable to me. I remember praying for God to clear my head and clean my thoughts to match His. I remember begging God to make each day easier (depending on that life season). I remember asking God to protect my heart, mind, mouth, ears, and eyes from anything that could be a stumbling block for myself or others (I still pray this over myself). I remember praying for God to keep me aware of my thoughts, actions, and words (I still pray this, too). I remember praying for God to keep me content in the lonely times. I remember praying for God to only give me what I need and help me to be patient when I wanted something that wasn't in His timing. I remember the urgency in my hunger to be more. I remember crying as I waited for God to wipe my tears with answers.  I cannot even begin to express how beautiful it is to be able to look around in my life and see the ways God has let His glory shine. 

Last night as I sat with a friend working on our women's bible study, I remembered over year ago when God began shutting doors to my friendships. I had begun praying for God to protect me in various ways. His first way was removing everything I thought I needed and truly teaching me what it meant for me to proclaim that He is Enough, as I have it tattooed on my left wrist. I thought I needed relationships and approval. I thought I needed emotional support and stability, and that I would find it in another human being. I thought I needed this sense of family I didn't think I already had. Through supplication and confessing in my wrong-doings, God  began building this wall around my heart. A wall that would teach me to be more cautious of how I treat my heart. A wall that would keep me content and not wanting things that I didn't need. A wall that protects me from negativity and toxic-ness as God continues to reconstruct my heart, mind, and spirit. As He renovates the places that have cracks, He polishes my mind, and gives my heart a new foundation made of wisdom, discernment, and His Word.

I remember praying for these things. I still pray for them because Jesus tells us to remain humble. He resists the proud and blesses the humble. I don't want to miss out on God's gifts!

As I am learning who "Jenn" is, I am learning that she fiercely loves Jesus and craves His great works. She is soft to speak, but can roar like a lion. She has a hard time speaking to and in front of adults, but she comes alive speaking to kids. She's an ambivert (INTP-A). She has no beginning nor an end. God picked her like a weed in a field of wild flowers and decided that she was just enough to make a difference in a world that needed change. She's a mad-dog about growth and always looking for ways to improve... but she also really enjoys resting/sleeping, ha! 

My mission statement over my life:

Philippians 3:12-14
12 Not that I have already obtained it or have already become perfect, but I press on so that I may lay hold of that or which also I was laid hold of by Christ Jesus. 13 Brethren, I do not regard myself as having laid hold of it yet; but one thing I do: forgetting what lies behind and reaching forward to what lies ahead, 14 I press on toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus.

Lately, as I pray, in groups especially, God has given me the words, "Let there be glory. Let us see Your glory. Let us know Your glory." I am not perfect, but I press on with my faith in Jesus. He has gifted me glory, and for that I give Him glory. I look forward to glancing back later to see and remember what I am praying for now. 

Push Through

I've read the articles. I've heard the stories. "I can't do this." "The voices are too loud." "My body hurts." "The fear is captivating."

I have always been sympathetic to those with this pain. I was the one to just try to help them push through, but I didn't understand the battle that they were fighting. And now I wonder... how in the world did they do it? I'm there. I feel the tightness in my stomach that is also butterflies. I feel the pain in my chest. I feel the pressure in my neck, shoulders, and arms. I feel the air in my trachea that doesn't know which way to go, "should I stay in the lungs or leave the body in trembling breaths?" My legs don't know whether to try to force calmness, or to succumb to the agitation moving through my body. What do I do? Where is my safe place? Take me to my safe place!!

I have wondered how my Mom endured this horrible illness. She was a single Mom, she had to provide, and work, and take care of two kids who had no idea what her monsters were... that's so sad. My Mom couldn't just escape to church when she wanted to, and she didn't have many people to talk with... she was alone. If you fit that description, please know that you are not alone.

I have carried this burden with me for years. I witnessed it and I ran from it like the plague. I'm not supposed to struggle like that. When I opened up to my Mom about it she said the same thing, "You're close with God, this shouldn't be an issue for you." Unfortunately, each and every one of us will struggle with something and it's not really something you choose. At least, not many of my struggles have been by choice. Yeah, some were consequences and punishments, but I didn't choose anxiety. I didn't choose to score a 19 on an anxiety disorder test. I didn't choose to read questions and realize how much I have changed... I didn't change, I got hidden.

In this school year my consistent prayer to God has been, "Keep me aware of my thoughts, actions, and words. Protect my mind, mouth, ears, heart, and eyes. In Jesus name." With this in my mind, and as my mentor tells me, I have become a little extra hyper-vigilant. A symptom of anxiety is over-thinking. I get a thought that isn't normal for me, I give it thought. Where is that coming from? What's it root, is it a weed, or is it something that needs my time?
I have watched God change my thought process. I don't speak the same way.

During December, I got the opportunity to travel alone without my husband. God had asked me to step beyond my entire comfort zone, travel for an entire month alone, not even in the same country, and minister. In that time, my time was my own, and I realized just how intentional I could be. I saw where my time and thoughts. I went to Jesus. I sought after Him in a way that went beyond what I had previously been doing! I couldn't wait to apply those principles to my life, my marriage and my ministry in Bethlehem.

I got back to Bethlehem and life hit... as it typically does. Satan found me in my confidence and he tried me. I realized that my faith was in a great place, but I was not being humble. I asked God to humble my faith. I asked God to set me straight. A few weeks later this anxiety came out of the shadows and began roaring it's ugly head. Again, I'm aware of what is going on. I'm not afraid of it. I'm not in control, but I'm not afraid... but hear me, it did bring fear, I just knew Who is in control. I know my Father. My God gave me a word to "Push through." Push through everything in the second paragraph. I trust God that He is still working good things because He knows that I love Him (Romans 8:28). His Word tells me in Deuteronomy 31:6 to be strong and courageous. I get to choose to breathe through the pain. I get to choose to know what I need and to know that my Jesus, my Savior has not forsaken me.

Happy Easter and Resurrection, every day!

Philippians 4:11-13
Not that I speak in regard to need, for I have learned in whatever state I am, to be content. I know how to be abased, and I know how to abound. Everywhere and in all things I have learned both to be full and to be hungry both to abound and to suffer need. I CAN do all things through Christ who strengthens me. (emphasis added)

In my devotion, I have found this song by a dear friend and it is a PUSH in my faith to seek Him further. I encourage you to listen. Know My Father - Rebekah Bullard

Broken Vessels

A vision of a vessel sitting in the kingdoms of Heaven. I see Him, God, walk over and pick one up and hold it with pride. This vessel, that He created with His pottery loving hands; He cherishes it. This vessel, with all of its cracks, chipping, breaks so big that they are only holes at the point. He holds it, wiping His right hand over its rough grooves and dry shavings whisk away in His presence.

I see Him take this ordinary piece of clay vessel to a stool and He begins adding holy water to it... He makes sure to drench it on the outside, while the inside runs over at the brim. Even with cracks, the brittle chipping, and the holes... His masterpiece is being refurbished in His presence. He smiles.



I sit with tears streaming down my face replaying this vision that God has been giving me over my own life. I see and feel my cracks. I get bruised and chipped by life's circumstances and there are even these big, gaping holes. No matter how much time I spend with Jesus, and it's a lot, I still feel dry and craving more. My insecurities tell me I'm not doing enough. Spoiler alert: I will never do enough, but that just means that our limitless God gives more. He's our Provider. And He holds me with pride and He smiles, and He wipes His hand over my rough edges to remove the dry dust that leaves me feeling gross and used up. Worthless.

This morning in my devotion I shared some hurt with Jesus and these words came to me, again, because they are words that He has given me before...

"Clean the cracks and replace the dirt with gold. Your glory."

Greatest part is that is already His goal! He wants to use our vessels to bring Him glory.

This last month I got to travel to the states to be at a friends wedding, visit friends and family, and to do some ministry within the American culture. Each morning I woke up and spent time reminding Jesus that He could use me as He saw fit. Reminder: He won't use what He doesn't have permission to use. 

As I transition from my time there to being back in Bethlehem; my schedules are sorting themselves out, I still cannot bring to words the glory of God I got to witness in the month of December. In my best words, one of the most overwhelming parts was visiting a church that I had not gone to in 10 years. I took a friend with me to see Eddie James Ministry in worship - I LOVE TO WORSHIP and I found every opportunity I could to do so. Prior to even packing for the trip, God put on my heart to buy a onesie and pray over my future family, the baby that will wear that onesie, and the mother. He would guide me to who that mother is and pass on the onesie. I had an idea of what it would be like and how hard it would be for me, but I wasn't quite prepared for the magnitude and the fresh eyes of Jesus I would get to witness. Fast forward to the night of worship... I didn't go anticipating to receive this move of God in me; I was just there to worship my Jesus. Half way in I took the realization that I was definitely there for ministry to God who simply said, "Get ready." I returned to worship and looked up to see this woman worshipping. God told me then, "That's her." "Okay."

I couldn't have fathomed what was coming next. I went up to pray for her at the altar, and we were both praying in the Spirit. I knew immediately that something was going on, but I couldn't grasp it. Seconds later, my eyes closed in prayer, God guided my hand to her stomach however when I had knowledge of this, two things came to mind... 1) No way, this is not happening. 2) I know exactly what's going on here.

A minute later I had returned to my own worship, as had she, but then God gave me a vision of her. I had only had a small glimpse of this woman, but I could see her fully in my head. I could also see God wanting to fill her with His peace and He said, "It's coming." "....okay." I knew what to do.

Tears, tears, and more overwhelmed-by-His-glory tears... Nothing could have prepared me for her answer to my question, "What is this in reference to?" "A baby." I went to my bag, I got the onesie, and told her what I could through my speechlessness.

Later I learned that she has struggled with 27 years of infertility. WHAT?! God!!

How did I go from being a broken, dry vessel, to that... YOU used ME to do THAT? I say as I look at my right wrist for the 1,000,000,000th time, "Qualified."

I pray if you have read this testimony that you will allow God to begin to fill those unflattering places in your heart, mind, and body with His glory. I pray that His living water will drench you from your inside-out, overflowing at the brim. I pray that you will live boldly beyond all that the world wants to say towards you. I pray that no matter what life's circumstances have you bonded to a life of "ordinary" living will be broken. Jesus came to Paul and used him...

2 Thessalonians 2:16-17
Now may our Lord Jesus Christ Himself and God our Father who loved us and by His grace gave us eternal comfort and a wonderful hope, comfort you and strengthen you in every good thing you do and say. 

The Onesie - 1 Samuel 1:27-28

For this child I prayed, and the Lord has granted me my petition that I made to him. Therefore I have lent him to the Lord. As long as he lives, he is lent to the Lord.” And he worshiped the Lord there.

Pray for Samuel, and his Mommy and Daddy, Laurie and Wes.